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Untangled : guiding teenage girls through the seven transitions into adulthood
2016
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  Publishers Weekly Review

Psychologist Damour begins this clear-sighted parenting guide with an epigraph from psychoanalyst Anna Freud: "There are few situations in life which are more difficult to cope with than an adolescent son or daughter." In response, Damour offers a hopeful, helpful new way for parents to talk about-and with-teenage girls. Raising a teenage girl doesn't have to be the proverbial roller-coaster ride or feel like a "tangled mess," she asserts. There is a predictable pattern to teenage development, and parents can learn how to understand and support their daughters. Damour identifies seven distinct, sequential "strands," one per chapter, from middle school through high school: parting with childhood; joining a new tribe; harnessing emotions; contending with adult authority; planning for the future; entering the romantic world; and caring for herself. As Damour is careful to note, teens move along these strands at different rates. More descriptive than prescriptive, the volume is anecdote-driven, featuring entertaining, insightful stories drawn from the author's experience. At the end of each chapter is a section entitled "When to Worry," addressing issues that may require professional consultation. Parents will want this book on their shelves, next to established classics of the genre. (Feb.) © Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved.
Summary
NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER * Lisa Damour, Ph.D., director of the internationally renowned Laurel School's Center for Research on Girls, pulls back the curtain on the teenage years and shows why your daughter's erratic and confusing behavior is actually healthy, necessary, and natural. Untangled explains what's going on, prepares parents for what's to come, and lets them know when it's time to worry. <br> <br> In this sane, highly engaging, and informed guide for parents of daughters, Dr. Damour draws on decades of experience and the latest research to reveal the seven distinct--and absolutely normal--developmental transitions that turn girls into grown-ups, including Parting with Childhood, Contending with Adult Authority, Entering the Romantic World, and Caring for Herself. Providing realistic scenarios and welcome advice on how to engage daughters in smart, constructive ways, Untangled gives parents a broad framework for understanding their daughters while addressing their most common questions, including<br> <br> * My thirteen-year-old rolls her eyes when I try to talk to her, and only does it more when I get angry with her about it. How should I respond?<br> * Do I tell my teen daughter that I'm checking her phone?<br> * My daughter suffers from test anxiety. What can I do to help her?<br> * Where's the line between healthy eating and having an eating disorder?<br> * My teenage daughter wants to know why I'm against pot when it's legal in some states. What should I say?<br> * My daughter's friend is cutting herself. Do I call the girl's mother to let her know?<br> <br> Perhaps most important, Untangled helps mothers and fathers understand, connect, and grow with their daughters. When parents know what makes their daughter tick, they can embrace and enjoy the challenge of raising a healthy, happy young woman.<br> <br> Praise for Untangled<br> <br> "Finally, there's some good news for puzzled parents of adolescent girls, and psychologist Lisa Damour is the bearer of that happy news. [ Untangled ] is the most down-to-earth, readable parenting book I've come across in a long time." -- The Washington Post <br> <br> "Anna Freud wrote in 1958, 'There are few situations in life which are more difficult to cope with than an adolescent son or daughter during the attempt to liberate themselves.' In the intervening decades, the transition doesn't appear to have gotten any easier which makes Untangled such a welcome new resource." -- The Boston Globe <br> <br> "Damour offers a hopeful, helpful new way for parents to talk about--and with--teenage girls. . . . Parents will want this book on their shelves, next to established classics of the genre." -- Publishers Weekly <br> <br> "For years people have been asking me for the 'girl equivalent of Raising Cain, ' and I haven't known exactly what to recommend. Now I do." --Michael Thompson, Ph.D., co-author of Raising Cain <br> <br> "An essential guide to understanding and supporting girls throughout their development. It's obvious that Dr. Damour 'gets' girls and understands the best way for any adult to help them navigate the common yet difficult challenges so many girls face." --Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees & Wannabes<br> <br> "A gem. From the moment I read the last page I've been recommending it to my clients (including those with sons!) and colleagues, and using it as a refreshing guide in my own work with teenagers and their parents." --Wendy Mogel, Ph.D., author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee
Table of Contents
Introductionp. xiii
1Parting with Childhoodp. 3
The Cold Shoulderp. 8
Allergic to Questionsp. 15
Surprisingly Meanp. 18
The Swimming Poolp. 21
Totally Competent, Except for When She's Notp. 24
Blooming, Reluctantlyp. 27
Smoke Without Firep. 33
Parting with Childhood: When to Worryp. 38
The Female Peter Panp. 38
Rushing into Adulthoodp. 41
2Joining a New Tribep. 46
The Pull of Popularp. 50
Tribal Warfarep. 55
Frenemiesp. 58
If Your Tribe Jumped Off a Bridge...p. 61
When Tribes Need Eldersp. 65
Social (Media) Skillsp. 70
Joining a New Tribe: When to Worryp. 74
Social Isolationp. 75
Being Bulliedp. 76
Being a Bullyp. 81
3Harnessing Emotionsp. 83
You: The Emotional Dumping Groundp. 87
I'm Upset, Now You're Upsetp. 92
Befriending Distressp. 99
Catalytic Reactionsp. 102
Coping by Postingp. 106
How to Become an Accidental Helicopter Parentp. 112
Harnessing Emotions: When to Worryp. 115
Recognizing Adolescent Mood and Anxiety Disordersp. 115
Self-Destructive Copingp. 118
4Contending with Adult Authorityp. 120
Seeing Behind the Curtainp. 121
The End of "Because I Said So"p. 124
Framing Dangerp. 131
Rupture and Repairp. 135
Crazy Spotsp. 142
Adults with Faultsp. 146
Holding the Linep. 153
Contending with Adult Authority: When to Worryp. 158
Too Good to Be Truep. 158
Constantly Contendingp. 159
Adults Contending with Each Otherp. 161
5Planning for the Futurep. 163
Impulses, Meet the Internetp. 165
The Road to the Future: Who Drives?p. 169
Making the Gradep. 174
Tense About Testsp. 180
Planning for Next Weekp. 185
Dealing with Disappointmentp. 190
Planning for the Future: When to Worryp. 194
All Plan and No Playp. 194
No Plan in Sightp. 196
6Entering the Romantic Worldp. 200
A Dream Deferredp. 202
A Match Made in a Marketing Meetingp. 207
Offering Some Perspectivep. 209
The Inner Compassp. 215
Dating for Creditp. 219
Being Gay: The Slur and the Realityp. 224
Entering the Romantic World: When to Worryp. 233
The Tributaries and the Lakep. 234
April-June Romancesp. 236
7Caring for Herselfp. 238
Nodding Without Listeningp. 239
Girls, Food, and Weightp. 241
Sleep vs. Technologyp. 248
Getting Real About Drinkingp. 251
Straight Talk About Drugsp. 261
Sex and Its Risksp. 268
Caring for Herself: When to Worryp. 274
Eating Disordersp. 274
Not Ready to Launchp. 275
Conclusionp. 279
Acknowledgmentsp. 281
Notesp. 283
Recommended Resourcesp. 307
Indexp. 311
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